“No human can make a game that good. Especially a white human.”

17 08 2007

If you go to Game Rankings right now, you may notice something a little…strange. Something not quite right. And if, like me, you are the kind of person who’s curiosity is peaked by this growing sense of dread and fear, you may seek it out, and come across the Reviews page for a little game called Bioshock. Suddenly those feelings begin to swarm all around you, choking you slowly as you scroll down and see what is causing it all. Tens. Tens everywhere, all around you. You can’t escape it no matter how hard you try, like taking a whiff of ass and not being able to rid yourself of that stench for hours, no matter how many coffee beans you sniff.

OK, so a bit theatrical. But I can’t help it. Honestly, I’m a little concerned. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been hyped for this from the moment I heard the second syllable in the title. Having never played the System Shock games, never dreading the wrath of Shodan, I wanted a way to redeem myself. But this is a bit much, no? I mean sure, I can’t judge the whole game from the demo. But so many 10’s? And the things these people are writing, these men and woman who I aspire to some day work side-by-side with, I can’t believe the way they lie.

Take IGN’sreview” for example. They claim the game is about 20 hours in length. I am to believe this obvious deceit? There hasn’t been a shooter longer than 12 hours since before time was created! To boast otherwise is ridiculous! Or how bout we look at what 1up had to say about it. They claim that the game makes you “think”, that your interactions may force you to “ask questions” and make “moral considerations”. What a bunch of garbage. When was the last time an FPS made you feel anything besides the glorious satisfaction you gain by tea-bagging some poor kid from New Brunswick? Never, that’s when.

Don’t get me wrong. I truly wish this game was as perfect as these idealists and dreamers would like it to be. But it’s not. This game they are talking about does not exist. It will never exist. It can’t be true. I refuse to believe it. It simply cannot be….can it?





2 responses

17 08 2007

I think we’re seeing more and more that games are able to tell stories as art. The demo held my wife’s attention like it was a feature film, and A–she doesn’t game, B–she was just watching.

17 08 2007

Well, I’ve always been one to rant about lack of story in games. I sat through every Legacy of Kain game simply ’cause the story and voice acting blew my mind at the time. They still do, for the most part.

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